where to begin...

well im sad to say that this is going to be quite a depressing blog. I feel like im going no where in life. I have no desire to go to college or university. I have No idea what i want to do for the rest of my life. And it's a half and half battle. "Oh you have lots of time dont worry about it, your still young. Its not like what you choose now will be what you do for the rest of your life, you have so many opportunities." or "Well you better not put it off too long before you know it you will be 30 and have kids no time for school and will go no where and be nobody." Thanks guys...real big help. I want to see the future but i dont know what im seeing. I dont know where to start and when. UGH i hate this.

Apparently god likes to bring my family down a notch just when things are getting better. My great-aunt judy (whom all the family is very close with) has been in the hospital since Feb 14th. She has numerous brain aneurysm's. She has been spiraling down wards ever since. She has been suffering with pain, loss of memory and depression for almost 3 months. A week ago the family signed a DNR so that if she goes the docs are not supposed to save her. Just let her go. And i know that its the best way cuz she will never be the same, her quality of life will never be the same. She wont remember any of her family and wont be able to do things on her own again. I just dont like the thought of my family dwindling. My family has gone through hell and back for the last couple years with tragedy and it seems like its never going to stop.

Well braden got the job at sunpine. He makes 22.35 an hour, 11 hours a day 5 days a week :) he works 2 weeks nights 2 weeks days :) im very very very happy for him. Im still looking for another job and i have put my resume in at a bunch of places, now i just have to cross my fingers and hope i get a call soon, cuz this 12 hours a week is bull shi*. I got my car fixed from all the hail damage and the hit and run from august, new windsheild...spoiled car. hmmm lets see nothing else to talk about really.

lost and stressed

Wow where to start...been like 3 or so months since i have blogged...Well not much good news to say. My grandpa passed away Oct 29th, he had cancer all over his body and there was nothing that they could do. I feel so bad for my grandma, now she is left all alone in Sask, in a hamlet of like 20 ppl, very few family close by. She cant even sell the house and come back cuz no one out there is gonna buy a house in the buck fuck no where, where you have to drive a half hour to even get a jug of milk. I really miss her and i hope i can see her again soon.
Braden and i have been....ok..we are fighting more but thats just cuz we are so stressed out about everything. He currently has no job cuz he was told he has a really really good job in cochran and the day he was supposed to start they said they were too slow and not hiring anymore (even though the guy said he was hired and he put his 2 weeks notice at shell) ugh but tomorrow he has a job interview at Sunpine and if not there my dad is trying to get him a job at the shop as an apprentice..which is good. But he has been out a job for the past 3 weeks and my pay cheques suck right now b/c they cut me down to 12 hours a week b/c Jan and Feb, are the 2 slowest months of the year. I cant live off that shit! 12 hrs a week doest even cover my car payment for the month, thats also not including my insurance, gas, rent or food. FML...so now i have been trying to get a second job, or a better Ft job that pays more. there are a few places that im going to try...now its just crossing my fingers and praying.
So ya i hope that once things are not so deep in the hole me and braden will get better. He is honestly the love of my life, i cant imagine my future without him. I know im still young and everything but i dont want it to be any other way. <3

Mmmmm not much else to talk about, Ill really try to blog more often.

total breakdown

Well graduation was good. You know, i wasnt as excited for it as i thought i was going to be. It was all just kind of a big blur to me and i dont know why but i just wasnt...happy when i was there. The grad party was ok, i was the first to go to bed because grad made me sooo exhausted. 2 days after grad i dragged my dads butt with me to calgary when he came down, so he could sign to get my belly button done. It didnt really hurt that bad, it felt more weird than it hurt.
Work still sucks ass, now we are open 24 hours, im not working the graveyard shift though, i refuse. I think its to scary and dangerous with all the retarded kids in this town. Not to mention what i have heard so far, i think i would lose my mind. Sometimes its 2 hours before they get a customer.
My moms liquor store opens today at 10am. Im so excited and happy for her. Yesterday i helped her get ready (putting price labels on everything, putting booze away) from 11am-7:30pm...and i already worked from 5am-11am before i went there...thats like working 14 hours striaght!! haha i worked more with her than at my real job that pays me money.

Last night i broke down, i just lost it. My grandpa isnt doing good, he hasnt been doing good for months now. He is pissing and shitting blood, has high blood pressure and is losing weight fast. They think its stomach cancer. I grew up with him, he's my only grandpa i have known. I was ALWAYS at his house playing, having sleep overs. Going camping with them every year. I always thought he would be around for such a long time. He is only like 67. I thought he would be here for when i got married, or to be the grandfather of my first child. But now...he even thinks hes not going to last long. I dont know what to do. He lives in Saskatchewan near my dad...thats 12 hours away. If he can't make it down this month (he wants to see family...just in case) then im making an emergency trip there. I dont care if it costs me an arm and a leg, or if i cant go to college right away b/c i dont have enough money. I have to see him one last time b/c i dont know how much longer he will be here and i dont know if i will ever see him again.

Well i graduate on saturday...pretty exciting and scary at the same time. Im just worried that my friends will move away and ill never see them again or very very far and few times.I hope i did ok on my diplomas. I have my last one on friday...just before grad...ick!! I got my grad dress and everything. Its sooo pretty. Its a dark navy blue :)Im not going to safe grad though. Its so stupid, you have to take a bus to god knows where b/c they wont tell you annnd you have to be gone, have sombody pick you up before 5am!!! GRRR!! so im just going to party with a few friends that i actually will miss after grad. Frankly i could care less if i didnt see anybody else. Our grade is soooo stuck up and immature.

So i got turned down by an awesome summer job working for Alberta Sustainable resources. They said i did awesome during the interview but i just wasnt the right person for the job. Im so pissed off i HATE HATE HATE working at shell!!! They push around and abuse the employees. They dont give two shits about the employees and the manage is always drunk!! god i HATE it there!!! i cry about working there...who does that!! if i dont find another job asap...im not even kidding i might have to go to a nut house.

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so im in Kamsack saskatchewan right now for the holidays. It was an 11 hour drive, me and braden got there at 9 on april 3rd. It was sooo good to see the family again. I missed them so much. Megans birthday was on Sunday, she turned 8. It was good. I made her a cake from scratch that had a tie die theme to it. It was awesome :) Its actually really nice here. There are quite a few tress and they live on a HUGE farm. They have so much land its crazy!! They only live about 20 minutes away from manatoba, where there is Madge Lake. I went there last year when i was there for the summer. I took the girls swimming and it was tones of fun...to bad its still winter and cold i would LOVE to go swimming there again! The weather is really nice here, all its been since i have been here is bright sunny blue skies with no clouds. I love it! Im so glad to be here, i havent seen them since last july when i stayed for 3 weeks. I hope they can make it to my grad.....

promise

So this morning braden surprised me...me got me a promise ring. I love him so much. The ring is beautiful...he has really good taste, i cried when he gave it to me. Some people think its a bad idea to get a promise ring this soon, but honestly i cant imagine my life with any other guy and he makes me so happy. It doesnt bother me or freak me out at all. I dont think anyone will make me as happy as he has made me. Sure we fight but who doesnt, and everytime im with him he makes me laugh and smile. Im so happy with my life right now!!! <3